The first hibiscus of the season.
This was going to be a post on how the garden is growing. I exhibited my utmost patience trying to upload some photos and the internet connection kept going out. Eventually my impatience won and I decided to try again later. Like tomorrow.
So I finished writing my book. At first I was thrilled. Two and a half mind boggling years of writing, organizing, reorganizing, reading through journals, emails, typing, writing, and editing and finally, it was complete. It was a larger than life undertaking. At one point it ran 185 single spaced pages with over 120,000 words. I edited again and again and rewrote until finally I burdened a few friends with the request of reading and commenting. Two of them couldn't read it yet, they were too close to Jim's nightmare. Three others did read it and have given me positive reinforcement with constructive comments.
However the final verdict was a big disappointment because the book has one serious problem: It is just TOO sad! I tried to add comic relief wherever I could throughout the story, but the truth is there WAS no comic relief during the ordeal. Frankly I'd completely lost my sense of humor and it took me a long time to get through the anger, frustration and hopelessness. I am still working on restoring my sense of humor.
I thought a book about one couple's battle with cancer would be insightful to so many of us who are close to someone with the disease. My goal was to share our experiences with the intention of offering coping tips and a bird's eye view into how cancer affects everyone in and around the patient's life.
Jim lost his battle but he put up an incredible fight. I thought that by writing Jim's story and my overcoming the grief of his subsequent death, I could give the book a happy ending. A hope redefined. I picked the pieces of myself up off the ground and glued them back together by writing and venturing out into the universe to give life another try. My goal was not just SURVIVE, but THRIVE.
My satisfaction of finishing my book was short lived. The fact is, my book is NOT done. No one has discouraged me with comments or suggestions. I agree with most of the comments I have received. I just wanted it to be done. It may take a while to regain any sense of objectivity toward this project, so reworking it sounds overwhelming to me at the moment. I have to let it sit and breathe. My great work of art turned out to be only a rough draft. Just a little reality bullet that hit me square between the eyes and has blinded me a bit.